« rcl | Main | i just might be the reason my professors are bartenders: »
Marzo 25, 2007
one friend undead, one too close to it.
so if you are keeping up with the blog you might already know:
i find myself attaching to people now.
i used to be able to avoid this but now i can't help it.
attachment is like a new wilderness to me and instead of disposing with people, i find myself hugging them, like a bafoon, wrapping my arms around over their shoulders or placing my hands on their shoulder blades (where the wings would go) and pulling them close to me.
today is my niece's fifth birthday. i bought her a pink wimple with silk flowers around the edge and asked her to tell me how many she thinks i love her. she said 14. i told her she was wrong and held her close and rocked her on the kitchen floor until she laughed and said "100!"
i don't know what that means but i'll bet she does.
then her little sister came in with the fuzzy pajamas on and we shouted good night to each other until their mother kicked me out of the house (as politely as she could manage) i don't blame her.
it is just that when we truly connect it is sort of wild and unstoppable.
i don't think i like this new abigail who was definitely not functioning properly when i heard on thursday that the parish administrator (one of my new favorite people) had been sent to the hospital to get staples in his head. when i saw him today i think we were both surprised that i was touching him, actually HUGging him (i'm not the type to hug, you see). i stopped hugging him and then martin hugged him and i thought O. God, who are we hugging all over this poor man?
why am i so attached to my friend darren? of course he is an amazing person: fun, helpful, graceful, wise, loving, gentle... all the good things. but that is not enough reason, or so i tell myself.
there is something in me that cares more now. my mother in law said that she saw me nurturing this weekend, she never knew how nurturing i could be. this is probably because i have never been as nurturing as i could be.
i think i need one of those name tags with the blue edges that says "Hello, I'm"
and i will write: "not prone to caring or connecting or attachment but you never really know." in the white space, as if it is my identity and you never knew before... because we haven't yet met.
and i will wear it when i look in the mirror, to remind myself that i am capable of new things like hugging and attachment and (gasp) nurturing.
it is a good thing i gave up swearing for lent... otherwise i wouldn't have said any of this... the entire entry would have been two words
one of them holy and the other not.
help yourself | By crymytinyflood | 10:45 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://berkeleyblogs.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/1719
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference one friend undead, one too close to it.:
