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Febrero 18, 2008
a confession in favor of the church of gay
sometimes i am really selfish...
there is a midpoint between thinking only of myself and not knowing who the hell i am, it is a moment when i am not entirely myself, i am just sort of a self: self-ish. and it is still in its experimental stages.
and it is very messy, like when all the little ballerinas would show up with their laces out and their hairdos all fuzzy and falling out and it isn't quite right but it is OK, for a little while at least, because the only alternative is to shellac their baby bangs with hairspray, which is pretty gross on a five year old.
and i have these momentary lapses in judgment.
like telling my friend (who happens to be gay which isn't a huge part of our relationship but it is a huge part of this story) that if my church won't hire me full time i can just stay home and make babies. which turned out to be rubbing his face in it because he would love to do that but he doesn't have the parts. and then i just kept going, i didn't even apply the breaks. I said, "You should be a children and family minister; you'd be great." because he would. and that is that.
i honestly think i have the best job on the planet and if my theory about the importance of children's ministries and his idea about the church of gay would or could or might someday (if i have my way) intersect, then things would be even better.
I told my lovely straight husband (who happens to be straight which IS a huge part of our relationship as well as a huge part of the story) and he said, "people would freak out." and i said, "not all of them." which is also very true.
sometimes people are concerned about their/my qualifications: "if i'm not married can i offer premarital counseling?" "if you don't have kids, do you think you should really be working with families like you do?" (in all honesty, my poetry professor would freak out at me if she heard the details of my life at present "But are you getting your WRITING done?!" she would squeak out at me.)
And then i remember that there is Amy Sedaris who wrote a book about entertaining called I Like You. Now i don't know if Amy's parties are any good but i know that she thinks that when you invite someone to a party it is just her way of saying, "I Like You". And that is how she goes about throwing fabulous, iingenius parties... i guess.
what if my only qualification was that i care. my resume would just be a long list of times when i really liked my students, or times when they tried to make me not like them, but i did anyway. and the educational experience part would be about some poems i wrote about how much i like you.
so how can things get so complicated that such a rare person who really cares about these little kids would freak us out by doing so?
it is just hard to see where my friend's heart breaks and then watch him walk away from that ache because he is too tired or too busy or he thinks he is too fragile or just hasn't figured out how badly we need people like him or whatEVER it is that keeps him from doing what he really wants. Don't get me wrong; i could just be putting words into his mouth and not doing this problem any justice. But that is my prerogative i guess because you don't know him and you might never get to but i think you ought to at least think about this problem.
It is like a sad super hero hanging up his tights because the headlines were full of bad news. And i understand certain kinds of exhaustion but i also understand the power of exhortation.
so you better know that i am sort of sorry for being so self-ish and dragging you back and forth across the desert of your desires by way of exulting my own.
but i'm not that sorry.
because i like you.
helpful | By crymytinyflood | 10:36 AM
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Comments
Thank-you.
Kind words made kind by the heart which delivered them and the struggle to articulate them. Whether the struggle is solely mine or a glimpse into the heartache of so many it is important that it is seen, and recognized and that a kind heart allignes itself with those that are struggeling.
So thank-you.
Posted by: me at Febrero 18, 2008 11:36 AM
