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30 de Septiembre 2008
en media res
remember art history class? or even comparative literature? i think i live there, in the middle, like a slice of life and today it is frustrating because yesterday i had to tell a story in practicum and
it seemed to me like it was time to begin, but I didn't know how to introduce myself properly or explain things so everyone seemed as though they felt a little jerked toward the story. That bothers me because I can't figure out why it was so sudden to them when i thought i was doing everything right so that it wouldn't be, sudden. And I get that a lot, from martin or whenever I start talking--there is a certain shock value perhaps because of the delivery system/method. Part of me can't figure out why they feel as though I have interrupted them, their thoughts, the expectations, and part of me doesn't want to figure it out because I want them to be shocked awake. I don't often want to make things intelligible, I like the idea of parables because unless you really want to know what is going on, you won't. it is something similar with poetry; unless you bring yourself to the poem, you won't know what is going on because the poet isn't about the business of explaining herself, but rather is explaining your life to you using her way with words. That is why poetry is an art form, why parables are art. You have to interpret, you are expected to interpret, experience, be interrupted even if you read the introduction, or know the poet personally. it is about confrontation,in which i am well versed.
my guess: people don't see me coming. They don't think I'll open my mouth and they will easily understand but the truth is they won't understand me by using the same tools they use to understand everyone else. It is like I speak another language, sometimes, most times, accidentally. And it only hurts when people are angry with me because they don't understand. And it is only confusing when I forget how possible, how prevalent this reaction is. And it is only inconvenient when I want to speak their normal English and I simply can't figure out how to. and it is only sad when i think i will lose myself if i try to do what is expected just to communicate how very much i am losing by doing so.
but there is good news:
The one hurdle I am happy to jump is the disassociation hurdle. I am pleased to say that I am more able to feel it happening and recognize it, and even, occasionally, pull myself out of it in a timely manner. next up, if i can keep in rhythm as any trackstar will tell you is to learn what causes it. And also I am a lot less ashamed of myself than I used to be, in general and i think that helped yesterday. I wasn't destroyed, i didn't destroy anyone else (both of those possibilities are now just possibilities, not certainties). It should have been a celebration when i got home to tell martin of all this triumph. but as i try to talk to him (and i think lots of people in love will understand this) I keep tripping over the things I need on my way to where i think i will get them and I am bruised and bloodied from the falling down.
helpful | By crymytinyflood | 9:07 AM
