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18 de Octubre 2008
Kj meets wino
when Kj aksed me to write for vespers, and address the incoming students as well as the usual suspects, i went home (shocking, i know), poured about 20 fingers of some 2buckchuckred in a juice glass and wrote this.
it helps if you know that i kept thinking about the sunny day real estate called 'what it feels to be something on'... its called
what it feels to return/arrive
like the feel in your throat when the tone is perfect and only clear and matches the sound of my heart or when the strings in the bow vibrate just right up through the tendons and soft muscle in your arm or when an old word makes a new sound in your ear because you understand it for the first time
or the first time you kissed and it is just like that
like the first time you heard a baby cry out just to cry
or the way her heartbeat fills in your empty places without even trying.
or his sweatshirt under your hand when you hold on too long to his body hugging you.
and you remember the journey so suddenly when you do
the moment when the road opens up and 75 is as good as flying and the yellow bands in the road and the rows of corn finally tick past faster than you can count the blank spaces dark with fertility
the way you knew as you packed up
you know when you closed the door on the old ways
you broke someone's heart and you had to--
in order to escape.
and their disappointment in you is drifting off
like clouds move across the sun
you had to come see
you had to go where they can't follow
you had to follow the sound of the siren because it was your own heart seducing you.
of course it sounds like a stupid old love song
because it is
the song that says i'll love you for the rest of my life and i'll be here when you need me and i'm not ashamed of you.
i like you.
(which means a lot coming from someone who is really good at hate)
i like-like you.
which means that all the things you are about to say are like the little dreams i never dreamt
(i wait for the night to come, i wait with all my being wrapped around the first star coming out so i can close my eyes and see what comes in the colors you invent).
because when you are here i am here and
little by little
we will both be very soon indeed
drunk with the possibility that
God arrives
God returns
for another sigh another hurricane of grief
for another tear another storming hope
another knock knock joke from your favorite six-year-old.
knockknock
who's there
God
God who?
God who do you think you are to make every day such a trial and such a triumph?
so when you collapse against the sofa in the field abbot's office like a withering vine against the augustine heat of theology
and describe the way
your heart is breaking
just remember
me.
remember those who never intend to master divinity
or those who used to hate you
until i learned how
you can turn rotten carrots into friendship and make the pages of a theological text feel like home.
i hope i will stop imagining your hatred for me because it is not as deathly as i think.
i've always wanted to go home, i've been so homesick.
that is what led me here. to you, who i try everyday to hate.
but you prove me wrong everyday
you tell me i've let you in and i think
hell no
i think i don't change that quickly
but i do. because when i can't hate you like
i want to
it breaks me open.
it breaks my heart
when i see you take communion
when i see you carry your children
when i see you hug each other
or hold hands
when you argue, when you lie
when you cry over deciduous tree leaves falling the same way i do.
and i see your lovely swollen eyes and
runny nose
i break open and see your shame
like a little spark and you hold it out
cupped in your hands like water to drink and you tell me
this is all that is left of Fantasia
one tear
we are so sad
you must invent more
we have so much sadness yet to come
take room for our tears
make a room
make it in the house of your hearts because, and i know it isn't good for your broken down hopes to say it: 'you can't go home you can't go home'
yeah, i like the one about space a little better too, but i really edited that one for hours. this one, what you see is what you get. and i'm practicing being less ashamed of things for now, if i start to shake and cough i'll just return and edit. that way you can watch how it changes too. won't that be fun? sigh.
help yourself , helpful , just in case | By crymytinyflood | 3:50 PM
