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22 de Octubre 2008
martin is tired of the what if game
but i'm not.
it was pretty late last night so i don't fault him for telling me that my problem with intimacy would still be with me in the morning and that i should lie down and try to get some sleep, if it was at all possible, which was a very gentle way to say what sounded at the time like such a horrific possibility.
so here is another one, a really big one, because he was right (that has been happening a lot lately), the problem is still with me:
What if intimacy is more about not knowing the other person, the way wisdom is sometimes about the task of discovering what we don't know?
What if
if you want to be closer to someone you have to stop thinking you know about her, know what is best for her or what she will say or do? Stop imagining she doesn't love you or wants to leave you. Stop assuming she is crazy and an emotional wreck. And see what happens. You probably get a lot more than information about her favorite color or sex position.
what if
You probably get your life back, you probably get to wake up in the morning and touch her because she doesn't prickle and she doesn't try to escape from the slide of your hand. And when you can really feel her skin, even while she trembles nervously giving over to you, that would be the nice part, the reward for all the constraint it took to stop second guessing her motives or predicting her departure based on the diluted superhuman parts of her that she let you see in the first place.
and it wasn't a betrayal that she didn't show you, it was just the way gravity held her inside herself, not down, feet flat on the earth the way we so often imagine it, but like the very earth itself pressing into its core with such force, turning inward.
what if
she is only spinning so fast inward because she is so accustomed to turning and turning, repenting of herself over and over.
what if
you can, what if you will give her a reason to stop spinning. your eyes, your face, your tears will bring hers out. your gravity, your center will pull her toward you and
what if
you won't be able to get it down, on paper. you won't be making a list of your favorite things about her or the things about her that are driving you crazy . of course you will know them but you will also know all the blank pages and pages are out there, and you want those more than you have ever wanted anything before because that is where you imagine hope will write itself down, in your own handwriting. that is where love goes to grow, the blank pages.
what if
that is what God was trying to tell us about when the prophet wrote that even at the beginning, when it was just dry land and wet water, emptyish as it was, it was good.
what if
God said it was good even before it was all done
what if
God said it so it must be true.
what if
it must be true.
help yourself | By crymytinyflood | 10:22 AM
