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24 de Octubre 2008
i like you
this is why you are my friend:
even if you only said three words, here is what i heard:
"i like you
[not because of your pain or past--that is just pity. not in spite of it either--that is denial. not because you are honest about it--that is just voyeuristic of me. not because i need you to use it to understand that you are just like me--because i don't need you to be like me. not because you have to use it to earn my sympathy or i'm leaving--that is bribery. not because it makes you experienced in a sort of self-destructive sexy way--that is just opportunistic.
i like you because whatever is behind you or in you or happening to you is a little complicated and a lot honest and when it shows up something in me rises up to greet you, and wants to hug you and i'm not sure why. but something in you calls to something in me and it feels good to be called out of myself by your joy and your sadness, whatever the cause. and i just want to be here with you, even if we aren't going to save the world or spy on the neighbors. even if the decoder ring tells us what we already knew.]"
it is like we can be 11 years old again, hiding under the stairs from the drunken brawling grown ups and we don't have to worry about ruining anyone's life just because we feel ruined ourselves. we don't have to worry about rescuing our families from their dysfunction because we aren't aware that we aren't that powerful, even if we are already aware that we are supposed to and failing miserably. it is like we are young enough again, but this time we worry less about trauma and more about a friend coming close enough, not to focus on the drama or give advice, or be afraid, but just to be,
to be with
to witness
as we climb higher into the next apple tree
how many times the rock will skip across the creek
the 16th mosquito bite
a wrestling match with the dog
the race across the meadow
the perfectly roasted marshmallow
the big dipper
nothing but net
secret handshakes
a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis and staying long enough to watch it taking flight
dandelion seeds blown from the stem, carrying wishes safely to the ground on
clean white parachutes that never fail to open
goldfish swimming
tadpoles wiggling
autumn leaf kicking
rubberband shooting
paper airplanes looping the loops
a pretty dress
a home run for the home team
bloodbrother scabs
potato bugs
garter snakes
swinging so high we fly
hot dogs in the macaroni and cheese
bubble bath beards
a new brown crayon
bubbles popping
sprinkles on the hot chocolate whipping cream
what the half-chewed food looks like on my tongue
what my bellybutton looks like
or even just to say 'ewwww' about grownups kissing in public.
the biggest problems are beginning to feel like the things on this list, like confusing amazing discoveries rather than catastrophic ultimatums... they are sad but they are not big enough to kill me when i am safe in this spot.
when i did 11 years old the first time i had to skip all the age appropriate triumphs because i was left alone to deal with the great losses. and now i am feeling the way those simple good things would have felt because you are reminding me that there is time and space to hide out and regroup, to hope for you when you can't hope for yourself, that if i just hold still for a minute you can look, even though i can't bear to, at the splinter in my thumb and tell me it isn't in so deep or quite so small that it would be impossible to dig out.
the problems are deep and insidious, don't get me wrong, but for once someone sees there is more to me than my extraordinary problems or fantastic useful talents, i am worth more than my contribution to your grown up world, your gnp and wisdom mongering
and i know. you prove it to me by feeling small with me,
by managing to hide out but not from
you give me space to work it out
you built me a fort when i asked.
when i told you what i wanted,
you didn't just say 'i don't know what to do.' maybe you were just bullshitting me when you told me about a safe secret spot, but i guess you have just enough of a peterpan, neverland fantasy focused brain, or i make you feel young enough to imagine the sort of spot i needed. and what is really helpful: you gave me a place to go but you didn't force me to go there. and you didn't assume you were invited and later, when i called to invite you, you whispered because you knew it was holy ground. and best of all: you didn't say you were too busy with something more important. and when you saw me in it you complimented me, there was joy in your voice that made it ok, for the first time, to curl up and cry until i was finished. you took one look at me crouched and crying in the corner and you exclaimed as though we were playing sardines and you were so glad to have found me because hiding with me was going to be the highlight of your day. hiding with me meant you were a winner even if we were just going to keep on hiding and keep quiet and still. it seemed like maybe if we hid long enough all our friends, all the answers might find us.
i never had a place like that before maybe because i never had anyone to help build it. i never had anyone with enough childish strength to help in a way that doesn't invade or dictate.
because when you are with me you aren't so grown up, so concerned with my drama that it keeps you from seeing more of me, hoping for more of me, celebrating with me.
it is a place where we can just watch the miraculous half-hopes that float to the top of our problems.
they slowly unfold the way stars come out: bright burning gaseous trouble spots in our heads and hearts, we can look up at them in wonder, knowing the irresponsible adults voices won't butt in, and we can celebrate the tiniest discoveries for ourselves without judgment, without wondering who will be hurt, who will be killed, who will be at fault and why it took us so long to figure all this out.
i like you too.
helpful | By crymytinyflood | 1:36 PM
