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9 de Diciembre 2008
christmas party 2008
i rsvp'd for the christmas party at school and then realized that it was not a very abigail thing to do to actually participate in the whole christmas thing, especially a student leadership led christmas thing... and during advent... it isn't even christmas yet, wtf?
but then i thought maybe this is a sign of something changing in me and i wrote to the abbot and told him, maybe just maybe student leadership offered me an opportunity for growth and he asked if he could share this news with them, to encourage them.
but i am not ready for that so i went to the party and then i wrote back:
i'm flattered that you think my words would be so encouraging but,
i think i'm hoping that they'll read my participation as a show of gratitude and leave it at that. i just can't risk more than that right now.
tell them thank you, but not from me, from you, from us, from the future struggling stragglers but please not from me because i am still trying to figure out who i am that i, Abigail, would be grateful for student leadership and it would piss me off if they figured out that part of me before i do.
i promise to think more about this and, before i graduate, in 2011, i hope to have a different answer to this kind of question.
i know you'll find a way to encourage them, you'll probably just smile at them or hug them even haphazardly and they'll know that something happened that made you remember why you are, are crazy enough to stay with us in the mess. maybe it was me, or something, or someone i made you remember, i just don't know because i just don't want it to be me.
not today, maybe tomorrow.
maybe tomorrow will tell me.
but i had a great time, i really liked how stinky the classroom became, it was a sensory experience, i'm not being facetious, the room was thick with the sweat of our depravity and craze and it soaked into our clothes and our hopes and steamed our stressors flat. it was totally worth ten dollars.
hooray!
Abigail
it has been, in the past, very embarrassing to participate: i always lost at capture the flag, i tripped over my partner when we square danced, i was sent to my room for yelling back at my mother, or getting caught up in the family drama and even now, even though class discussion usually goes well enough when i say something, i would just as soon keep my voice out of the mix because speaking up opens me up, gives others a chance to disagree.
so i'm wiggling around in the shallow grave i dug for my most standoffish, hiding parts, trying to make room for more of me to die but not all of me will fit and maybe that is the worst part.
not that i want to die, but that it would be nice to be rid of the parts that are really selfish and abhorrent and that is quite a lot of me, i think.
or if i could just find a way to participate without those parts participating.
i think i've just been insulted lately, too many times, and i am beginning to believe that it is really that difficult to accept me entirely: to be compassionate with me, to reward my misconceptions with truth, to carefully, gently lead me away from the parts of me that throw temper tantrums, to turn my face to the sun because i am really unwilling to be loved like that in the first place. perhaps unwilling to be loved at all.
like when a bird really just wants to get out of your grip but not out of your line of sight. just let me be, she seems to say, don't touch me, don't kiss me, don't even want to, but also don't move away from me, or shut me out, don't put me down, don't forget to feed me, spread a few crumbs of cornbread, because i need you for that at least. when i sing my little cry it is probably just from loneliness and fear that you will forget me because i never let you show me, i never noticed, how easy you find it to remember.
obviously i am fucked. obviously.
help yourself | By crymytinyflood | 8:15 PM
