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10 de Enero 2009
idle, wild
there is a band called idlewild, i like that band.
but the name reminds me of how things are going around here.
vacation is a break from the routine; some of us don't exactly thrive without a routine.
we are a little wonky, a little trying to hold still with wild fervor, or to idle in the wilderness between terms. it is shocking really.
people ask how Christmas was, what it was like to be home.
i realized two things on our recent trip to california.
first: people wanted me to talk about myself, in a way they could quickly and easily process, but it seemed to make every conversation awkwardly one-sided, in a terrifying sort of way. but they were really just trying to figure some things out--i wish it hadn't been so difficult for me.
second: you can do all the changing and growing and maturing you want but when you step out into the landscape you used to call home--the air, the hills, the insects and rotten wood, the concrete and clouds--your growth, your self, is suddenly accosted by the invisible forces that made you the way you were and all this atmosphere calls to the old ways, attracts them, they rise to the surface of your coping skill soup like fat separating from the broth. and they sit there, on the surface.
and then, rather than pop like bubbles in a soda, they cool and congeal and condense.
i was wearing all these around, like little weak spots in the surface of myself for a good eight days. at one point i called nathan and asked why all this bothers me so much and he said that i'm going to have to grieve the fact that those old skills don't serve me anymore, that i will grieve the friendships that used to buoy me and those i love. i began to cry and asked, how can this be? i tried so hard, i worked so hard for these relationships and they just disappeared. i accidentally changed, or maybe changed on purpose and now everything else is different and it would be bad enough if things were different because i hate change, but it is especially bad because i feel so lost and confused because faces, places, smells and tastes that used to comfort me have lost their effect.
he said i'm going to have to grieve but for now i should just go have a beer and get through it.
* * * *
the extended entry is a copy of a recent post on nathan's blog, he took it down but i think it is really important.
even though we are sleeping in our own beds, we are no longer their guests, just talking to folks from the places we grew up has become even more dangerous now that we are even more aware of ourselves and our pain.
"This week has been full. Anne and I decided to stop dating after seeing each other for a few months. It was my first relationship since the heartache of this past summer and all that was exposed in the process. I'm saddened by the prospect of not having Anne in my life anymore. She was a caring friend to me this past summer and a really cool woman. Dating her was sort of like a pop quiz everyday, and not in that way where you freak out because you didn't read the chapter the night before. It was a pop quiz with no chapter to read and the professor was going to give you an A for just tackling the questions. We both showed up everyday and did the best we could for one another. I will miss her.
I've also been doing a lot of reading this week to try and get ahead before i start back classes on Monday. I took a break from MHGS last semester and only took two classes that met on random weekends. Monday marks the beginning of my busiest semester of graduate school yet. Getting ahead has been essential for my confidence and schedule. On Tuesday, I read a short book by Henri Nouwen titled Can You Drink the Cup?. The book is Nouwen's reflection on Jesus' words. "can you drink the cup I am going to drink?". "The cup that Jesus speaks about is neither a symbol of victory nor a symbol of death. It is a symbol of life, filled with sorrows and joys that we can hold, lift, and drink as a blessing and a way to salvation." p. 115.
I'm trying to allow Nouwen's wisdom to guide my dealings with my family this week. It seems that many member of my family believe I need to 'grow up'...
(I have amended this section of the post for my mother who wrote me an email mortified that I would write the true circumstances that led to this post in the first place. I've decided to honor her request, but those of you who share this sentiment know who you are and the contradiction between me needing to 'grow up' and the sentiments you express to me in person is hurtful!!!!)
But, why this familiar euphemism 'grow up'?
What does it mean?
What is the standard?
I imagine their fantasy of a 'grown up' looks something like this...
Of course the reality of this situation in most of the folks I know looks more like this...
this is called Dissociation Posted w/ permission from (amazing) artist phil nellis. go to his website: elnellis http://www.elnellis.com/home.php?x=browse
The dilemma in taking the charge to 'grow up' seriously rest in the flawed definition of 'grown up'. I imagine that on some level for me to 'grow up' in their eyes would involve a 'real' job, a wife, a home, success, and maybe on some level recognition. I'm sure it would even have religious aspects as well; join a church, become an usher, say the blessing before every meal. And, undoubtedly there would be moral implication; stop drinking, cursing, get your beliefs right about homosexuals, poor people, politics. Once you have all this settled then you are 'grown up'.
And, maybe that is the word that causes me the most concern: settled. Because, as Nouwen says, "it belongs to the essence of being human than we contemplate our life, think about it, discuss it, evaluate it, and form opinions about it." I understand the fear of this practice. You may have to change your mind. You may find out that an opinion once held dear no longer works for you, and then you have to make a decision to CHANGE. To use a religious word; you may actually have to REPENT. My favorite quote:"The real voyage of self-discovery is not in seeing new landscapes but in having new eyes." Proust. The surgery required to see the world anew is painful. But, the alternative is a false life built on a foundation of fantasy, dissociation (as Phil's painting so beautifully depicts), and striving for entertainment to keep our minds away from things that are difficult to face.
So, I guess I will never be able to 'grow up'. I'd rather not in fact. I will, however, to continue striving for greater maturity and fullness in my life. To be mature (perfect) as our heavenly father is mature. And the ideal is not a job, position, or possession."
help yourself | By crymytinyflood | 6:06 PM
