« Febrero 2007 | Main | Abril 2007 »
Marzo 25, 2007
one friend undead, one too close to it.
so if you are keeping up with the blog you might already know:
i find myself attaching to people now.
i used to be able to avoid this but now i can't help it.
attachment is like a new wilderness to me and instead of disposing with people, i find myself hugging them, like a bafoon, wrapping my arms around over their shoulders or placing my hands on their shoulder blades (where the wings would go) and pulling them close to me.
today is my niece's fifth birthday. i bought her a pink wimple with silk flowers around the edge and asked her to tell me how many she thinks i love her. she said 14. i told her she was wrong and held her close and rocked her on the kitchen floor until she laughed and said "100!"
i don't know what that means but i'll bet she does.
then her little sister came in with the fuzzy pajamas on and we shouted good night to each other until their mother kicked me out of the house (as politely as she could manage) i don't blame her.
it is just that when we truly connect it is sort of wild and unstoppable.
i don't think i like this new abigail who was definitely not functioning properly when i heard on thursday that the parish administrator (one of my new favorite people) had been sent to the hospital to get staples in his head. when i saw him today i think we were both surprised that i was touching him, actually HUGging him (i'm not the type to hug, you see). i stopped hugging him and then martin hugged him and i thought O. God, who are we hugging all over this poor man?
why am i so attached to my friend darren? of course he is an amazing person: fun, helpful, graceful, wise, loving, gentle... all the good things. but that is not enough reason, or so i tell myself.
there is something in me that cares more now. my mother in law said that she saw me nurturing this weekend, she never knew how nurturing i could be. this is probably because i have never been as nurturing as i could be.
i think i need one of those name tags with the blue edges that says "Hello, I'm"
and i will write: "not prone to caring or connecting or attachment but you never really know." in the white space, as if it is my identity and you never knew before... because we haven't yet met.
and i will wear it when i look in the mirror, to remind myself that i am capable of new things like hugging and attachment and (gasp) nurturing.
it is a good thing i gave up swearing for lent... otherwise i wouldn't have said any of this... the entire entry would have been two words
one of them holy and the other not.
Posted by crymytinyflood at 10:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Marzo 21, 2007
rcl
stands for revised common lectionary.
which will probably be the end of abigail as you know her.
i have also taken on certain ministerial responsibilities (checking up on my kids) that require(s) attending two holy communion services every sunday (I will have the liturgy memorized shortly; i am getting my fill of the body of christ-lemmetellya).
but strange things happen to me in church now. i am actually listening!
so i thought i would confess.
i have an idea that death is about movement away from me. my abuelito keeps telling me he is going to die. i told him to stop worrying about my faith and just get home to jesus...
but sometimes i tell myself someone is dead because i don't know what to do with their absence. i guess i'm just not afraid enough of death to avoid really pretending hard. the mourning is easier if i assume it will be final.
of course i have only done this with two people so far (i'm still young, you see).
and they both came back... and it has taken me two and half years to know what to do
enter rcl
i was wondering why i would want them to come back, why i would let them come back, why i wouldn't try harder to keep them, er... gone.
i am an idiot. that is why, that is the whole reason.
a complete *&$%ing numbskull.
most of you have heard the story about jesus being a sucker so i won't explain all that here. but i think i am closest to my call when i am at my most dumbest.
anyway, if you have been following the rcl, you know that last week was all about the prodigal son. and i realized
my friend who was lost has been found.
and i wished he was dead and i wanted it to be final but i kept my ear to the ground and my eye to the horizon and a figure finally moved a little closer than usual, the waves of heat obscured the vertical line on the horizon and i saw, as he moved closer, that he was on his knees the way ancient pilgrims approached a sacred place.
and i like a fool was hopinghopinghoping. like a drunkard, i was stumbling and slurring and misunderstood over and over again.
today is my birthday, of course, so i have annuals on my mind... three years from now we will be back to the week after the return of prodigal son and i will be back to singing happy birthday to myself (really quietly the way my abuelito likes to do--i was singing "they say its your birthday! nananananana!" alone, while i put away laundry last night and martin caught me... it was sort of funny, but altogether ridiculous and perhaps to be avoided in the future, when i am older and wiser.)
as i chalk up the lectionary passages the epiphanies come with punctuated equilibrium... like the good times, the births and deaths, the birthdays and holy days and bad days.
and i thought you should know, just so you know
i'm just saying is all.
Posted by crymytinyflood at 09:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack