Every Skinny Tree

be respectful

i recently registered for the third consecutive year at one institution. i haven't transferred in transcripts or planned an escape. i haven't applied to another school, i haven't even snubbed the second annual flag football game--even though by this point, had i stuck to the original plan to get an MACS, i shoulda been long gone. this is a real breakthrough for me, given that the last time i went to the same school for three years in a row was 3,4,5 grade.
to commemorate my achievement(s?) i've transcribed the following for your perusal. let's just say it came just in time to remind me why i keep doing what i do and how i couldn't really stop now, even if i tried.

Sent: Sunday, August 17, 2008 8:47 PM
Subject: about the paper

hi J, hope the vakay went well.
i am a little nervous about the paper. i'm close to finished but would like to ask you a few questions just to make sure i actually did the assignment and not some other sort of random research paper. i'm hoping i can describe to you a sort of outline of what i did and you can point to holes i should fill in or tell me it is probably an just a fine paper and i should get over my grade... or both.
i have monday and tuesday (afternoons) open.

thanks,
A

Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2008 22:32:00 -0700
Subject: RE: about the paper

Can you send me the outline via e-mail? Or, if you want to meet face to face, will it be okay to leave it until Tuesday right after lunch? Let me know. J

Sent: Monday, August 18, 2008 12:25 PM
Subject: RE: about the paper

this is an overview of each section of the essay:
Why Romans is special (to the Canon)
Paul's motivation
Jews vs. ethne
Paul's departure from the Hellenistic letter structure
Difficulty with 1:16-25
16-25 as foundational
Paul's thesis: new relationship to the law through Christ
Judaism's anti-idolatry stance
Paul's rhetorical strategy in 16-25
Paul's (post)modern readership's bias
the verses, in turn
16More on Paul's motivation, why he is unashamed
17God is God
ek pisteos eis pistin
this may set the tone for the rest of the book of Romans
Paul addresses Judaism again
18wrath and righteousness
19,20 without excuse
21,22, 23 Paul addresses pagan hearts
24, 25 Paul addresses homosexuality
ethics and strategy throughout 16-25
Why Romans is special (to us)
relevance of Romans

in a previous email i asked you to find the holes but now i'm reflecting and i'm concerned because i sat down to write the paper and felt really inadequate.
maybe it wouldn't be possible to do the assignment wrong because exegesis is kind of a random research paper project. Maybe it would be harder for me to do not do the assignment than i thought--you gave rather broad perameters.
but i hope you can help with the more personal side of the problem:
it all started because i didn't know how much to rely on the original language, given my lack of skill there. i ended up reliant on commentaries and making several important leaps on intuition. (which, i know can lead to trouble) for example: i defended the idea that the gospel was "news" because it seemed important as i was writing, then reread Johnson only to find that he thought the same thing and i had simply missed it before. and while it seems that Johnson and i are probably ok to assume that the gospel is news, what if i made a serious error on another point? what if in the context of all these commentaries, my voice is just the voice of another whiny, ignorant seminarian repeating all the same mistakes?
in a way i'm reinventing the wheel when i don't rely on commentaries and not trusting the commentaries when i do rely on them. Moreover, the more i read, the more difficult it is to imagine that i have anything to contribute to the conversation.
Also, i'm concerned that each paragraph might be hiding something that, further down the road, would lead to a terrifying heresy. i mean, i didn't write anything really insane but i have a tendency to try to say too much, without proper defense or clarity--and that is something that could affect my grade and/or career, if i can't get it under control.
its like a catch 22: either i'm not contributing because i'm inadequate or i'm not contributing because i'm unintelligible. if the assignment was to exegete my experiences, i could do that. Maybe that is what i have learned in two year of mhgs. but when it comes to Romans i don't know where i fit in the conversation. i feel like exegesis is an invitation to a really important dinner party, but on the way through the door, they tell you not to say anything stupid, which just makes me more nervous.
i know you're a docter; are there any pills i can pop for this? good grief.
so that is the rant.

i could come tuesday after lunch to chat, unless you think i'm just overreacting.
A.

[THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD:]

Abigail,

I doubt if you can do the assignment entirely wrong. Your analogy about being invited to an important dinner party is a good one. However, when you get to the door, they only ask you to be respectful of others' opinions when you come into the room. And at the end of the party they are asking you to summarize where you think you fit into the conversation. So you will inevitably use the opinions of others (only the modern period thinks originality is a bonus), and anyway I do not expect unique contributions to the discussion about Romans 1 from MDiv students. Just be coherent and document well.

Your nervousness about using Greek is understandable, but the point of the program here at MHGS is to be able to use the commentaries/resources intelligently, not to work in the original text with publishable results.

I agree this is not a typical MHGS assignment, but it is because there is a longer, broader conversation about Romans than about Freud. And it is possible to produce heresy, but it is not the unforgivable sin.

Can you give me a one or two sentence summary of what Paul says in Romans 1:16-25 that is important for anyone these days? The outline looks fine ... but I don't know what your thesis is.

As far as meeting tomorrow, I can come in. It is really your call whether the conversation is necessary. There are no pills. Sorry. But don't put such high expectations on yourself that you end up a basket case. It really isn't worth it.

Let me know what you want me to do.
J.

end of transmission
and by way of footnote i would like to add that one time i made an appointment with this prof and the good dr responded with an email, all it said was "it is written."
just thought you should know.

[i wish there were a more concise answer to the question, "how is school?" but there isn't. so here is how it really is: high drama, high expectations, and lots of email to put the problem into perspective. it is not a rhythm we can maintain for long but it has been ok for the past three year and it will have to do for the next three, whee.]
and now i'm off to walk the dog before it rains again.

i dare you

search youtube for
tight bro's [sic] from way back when
and put your nose in the corner.

please note the use of the maracas at the end of the song.
thank you.

with unflinching confidence

a good friend came into the chocolati during my office hours,
she read through a paper over which i had an anxiety attack
after i turned it in
on my way the beach
where i built two sandcastles and dug one trench
from our blanket to the ocean
with my nephew, who still answers to his
nickname: Mocos
she told me to
show up to the page with unflinching confidence
and get it all down.
then, she ate two truffles and, left.

and somehow she has managed to silence the motherfuckingverballyabusive editors in my head and in my heart and i thought i should send this news out into the abyss. because i wonder what it looks like in the rss feed.

and now it is back to the nestle-aland.

rock and roll...

rock and roll.

curiouser, as a concept, as a rule.

i've become more and more curious about what other people write about in seminary.

there is a sort of unspoken rule about papers at mars hill: if you didn't cry over it, don't bother turning it in.
which i guess means that i'm not the only one crying out in frustration, or innocently writing along until the end when it all came crashing down around me in the conclusion because i realized
i thought i was writing about divorces or an underdeveloped pneumatology but i was really writing about the really sad parts of my life and the broken parts of my faith.

goddamnit

so i spend all my seminary office hours at chocolati racking up the free drinks on my punch card and discussing my seminary induced bowel issues with my favorite barista... she called me crabigail and gave me some 'super cleanse' tablets today (she just had a spare bottle under the counter--which is reason #564 'why i lurv molly').

here is the text for today's assignment:
"A concept is a set of inseparable variations that is produced or constructed on a plane of immanence [not just a two dimensional plane as i had thought--which makes the rhizone theory work better for me] insofar as the latter crosscuts the chaotic variability and gives it consistency (reality). A concept is therefore a chaoid state par excellence; it refers back to a chaos rendered consistent... And what would thinking be if it did not constantly confront chaos?" deleuze p 208

write hard, die free

via negativa

in order to distract myself from the apophatic and the problem of gelassenheit i googled myself (my name). Derrida says there is much in naming, or giving a name (to him they are two different things).
it turns out i am lost.
there are people out there looking for me. or the old, hyphenated version of me, which i'd rather not discuss anyway... and that is actually pretty fitting.
i think, given the option, i'll stay lost for a while.
why not?
maybe they know more about me by knowing less.

smarties

my favorite candy.
did you know they come in a giant size, like necco wafers size? now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
go joe.

how to: (keep) saying goodbye

[i've said goodbye to so many people, i guess that is why you called. and you remembered that i might know how to be a good friend or at least what i want from one. so i wrote this little poem because it usually helps and i put it here, just in case it helps you to feel (better?) too. I mean, i really did cry when you mentioned the ranch dressing memories, and then i thought, very quickly, how can i be crying over ranch dressing?]

when it happened they said,
she won't be writing any more letters.
she won't be calling or leaving messages or riding in your car or making plans.

but you will.

i keep going over the why in my mind
(kneading it, like a sore part in my heart, hoping it will relax and stop hurting me.)
even if you don't and one day i wake up and see that
you kept going even if i tried to make you stop.

how do we separate out all the friends and lovers and family members?
how do we organize them
so each gets the same number of sad memories or wild prospects?

over the phone

i told you how these things make me wish i had never moved away from you, never broke your heart,
i wish we could do this together
and wade again in the same creek(bed), as if the water had never moved on.
is that what she would say, is that what you want
to hear or tell even the saddest of her friends?:
i wish your heart didn't have to be broken

and what did you say to me?
you can have it all.
just ask me.
just tell me what you want (you never said need) and i will give it to you.
i've never done this before,
you said,
knowing
that it is the only way
i know to make friends,
and you asked me for help.

cheesy tomato

i woke up this morning feeling all crumply and weird.
and when i opened the fridge to think about milk what i really wanted was a beer. it was 8:30am.
so i didn't have beer.
i think mostly i wanted comfort food.
cheese, probably. or just to lick the salt off the salt shaker.
so here is a recipe my dad used to make me when i was little (he is probably making it right now but he only cooks on the barbecue so you could try that, i however, only cook in the toaster oven so that is what i'm recommending):

first you go to the farmers market and buy a tomato that looks like it is about to go bad; they usually have a bin in the truck or wherever with these half price tomatoes that are just splitting at the seams and they tell you you should choose for yourself because they don't want to be held responsible if you get a moldy one.

but though they are right on the edge they are just right.

cut it in half, pour about 1 tblsp extra virgin olive oil on each half.

sprinkle with oregano, basil, sage, salt, (pepper if you're into that sort of thing, which martin is)

lay slices of cheese on top (mozzerella is what my dad uses, cheddar works just fine, my sister would probably use bleu--she says it makes everything better)

broil it until the cheese turns brown

serve it in a bowl with a fork, spoon, and a butter knife, or at least some bread because the juicy stuff from the tomato is so good you have to eat it and it can get a little embarrassing if you have to eat it with a fork

it is sort of like a cure for the common crumply feeling.
let me know if you like it but don't say anything if you don't because that would be sort of a nasty surprise.

mm. cake.

when i graduated with my certificate in spiritual direction we went back to martin's parents house to celebrate my accomplishment and his mother's honorary doctorate. the good doctor of laws, or maybe it was her retired husband, went out, bought a cake and a two tubes of icing so i could write on the cake myself.

irrelevant

the class with Carl A. Raschke is over; i survived the chaosmos. Apparently he is a genius; look him up if you want but here the gist:
"everything is relevant you just have to be creative."
so i'd better get back to work, which, today, means hanging out at the beach with the 6th graders who volunteered for vbs.
i know this seems like a very mid-nineties way to do my ministry--"Are they still just going to the beach? haven't they thought of something new yet? can you even do that in seattle?"
no. yes.
ever since Jesus cooked the disciples breakfast on the shore we've been hanging out at the beach hoping the savior will show up, in spirit at least.
so we're heading back over there today to see what or who or how we've become since that first Jesusy cookout.
everything is relevant.

woah

i almost just published a really mean entry. that was close. here are the nicer parts:

i just thought i should clear something up: i can't stand facebook and i refuse to join. the only reason i keep this blog up is because there is still a great deal of stuff out there, written about me, on the internet, whether you know it or not, whether you will read it or not. And as long as it is out there i have to have a voice of my own and this is it.
at least i think that is why i do this.

i made a new friend this week, not by meeting him on facebook. his name is nathan. he offered me the nasty brown part of his carrot today in such a funny "from the carolinas" way i laughed and am still laughing about it. i may never forget that moment; it was real good. so when you read this, nathan, these are your propas: i think you are a good person, which is quite a feat because there are lots of people i don't like. and i will tell all the pretty girls about you. its not facebook but it will have to do. and i can't believe you were in the stranger want ads, i mean, i believe it because you probably offer nasty carrots to all kinds of potential friends all across the country but the stranger ads--that is like being famous! i've never been that close to being in the stranger so of course i admire you.
that concludes the message to nathan.

the moral of the story is this: internet is a good place to make yourself or someone else into a ghost that just haunts and howls and cries over the sad parts.

God tends

for vacation bible school we wore tee shirts that said "...on earth as it is in heaven." we went to the transfer station and we went to the forest and we went to the museum and we played some games and nobody won and nobody lost and we only cried on the first day and we sang about hippos and each other and it was very good, just like the bible says.

and what did we start with: toe hoo wah boe hoo.

which is what i always start with and we ended with the saddest day because it had to end and we had to rest like we always do.

sometimes when things go really well i feel very small.

so we went to the beach. and slipped slurpees and then i went home and my dog was there and he was so happy to see me, just like you used to be. so happy.

when you see something really beautiful you should say something because why not? you should definitely say it. that is one thing i am learning this summer... say it out loud and maybe point if you have a free hand. kneel down and with confidence just say it carefully, slowly or maybe your eyes squinting in the brightness of it whisper it so it lands gently because she doesn't know you are thinking it. she doesn't even know you are capable of thinking it but she might need you to be brave enough...

i have this thing i think about love. i think about love.
and i can't stop doing it

here is one reason why i am not the wife i wanted to be:
everyday dinner time comes and all i really want to do is eat a carrot or something stupid like that.
so if you think of it, send snats that is all we can handle right now.

vespers

remember this? i wrote it for vespers and then cried all the way through it...

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the families.
For the nose wipers
The shoe tiers, diaper changers
Handholders and shoulders to sleep on.
Thank you for the
Booger faces and finger paintings
Thank you for the people who cry whenever they bleed and hug us around our middles
Thank you for the favorite colors and sometimes thank you for wedding vows
For times we have to argue
With the people we love most and the holy conflict that our families endure
Help us to pass on what we know of you and to hold on and love what we know of each other
In the name of the father, son and holy spirit.

but today the prayer would sound more like this:
sometimes i get so fucking angry.

did you ever account for that?

because i'm not willing to punch people in the face today, which is why i can at least type about it. but at any moment i may explode into a million insults.
they call me volatile.
perhaps it comes from my love for conjunctions... i love conjunctions and commas. with the proper grammar it is possible to get it all out there, just keep going, listing it all off: grievances, desire, hateful cliches strung tenuously together ( imagine sausages in the barbarian butcher windows).

two of my favorite things.

martin elias jimenez
charlie rose jimenez

i think they like each other pretty well...